Most of us think about forgiveness as an outward act. But the outward act of forgiveness is for others for things they’ve to us. Sometimes though, we need to forgive ourselves so we can move forward. Most of us hold so tight to our past it is like living it every day. Memories, pains, and reasons that can keep us from even glimpsing our potential.
We’re all full of bumps and bruises from the circus of life. The acrobatics to balance trauma and feelings and emotions and our habits out of those things alone can seem monstrous. The bruises people can’t see are the ones that hurt the most because we don’t talk about them and people have their own.
While some people are fortunate enough to find relief in therapy, there are many others who struggle with inner demons of traumas past. Some of those inner demons are traumas that lead to tragedy. They don’t really need to though.
Our collective suffering as a society can be seen in the crimes and actions committed by people of all types and stations. Often we get a clear glimpse of the things that aged with others into adulthood after they have acted out of their pain in some horrible ways. Soldiers who live with the painful scars of war. Mass shooters, bullies, to name a few.
It’s mostly after the fact people start digging in and making assumptions; investigations turn up everything that broke folk. Their crimes leaving more traumas and broken hearts that will need healing, after the fact. We usually hear people left them alone, and with good reason sometimes.
And we’re always hearing reasons why we should forgive others. But forgiving ourselves is a good habit to take up, too. There isn’t much advice on forgiving self, I now understand. It is always a good thing to forgive others. That is how we can let go of a lot of the “trauma” we carry into adulthood about things that happen to us over the course of our lives.
There are documented benefits to forgiving people; a primary benefit is, if we truly forgive we can get set free from that specific event.
When a person learns to forgive themselves, however, there is a different level of freedom. Forgiveness is a best practice for several reasons.
Forgiving does not mean we forget, because long after we’ve forgiven the memories can continue to feel like jagged edges cutting into our mental. Think about how good it feels when someone forgives us for things we do to them.
Now think about how good it would feel inside your head if some of those things could be wiped out of there. They can. We don’t need to live in our past in order to live a good life. Our past is in the past for a reason. We are needed in today. I’m not victim-blaming either. We have our past and everything from it is valid. But when we forgive ourselves and realize we may not have had any power to fix anything from our past, it can take a huge weight off our shoulders. All that weight set aside can resolve a lot of things that run through our minds.
A few things we should forgive ourselves of, is thinking we could have done more. The fact that you’re alive shows that you’ve done enough. It is time to stop damaging your mind and body with things you can’t change.
Forgiving yourself is not denying what you’ve been through. It is accepting that it happened, but you no longer want the event to have power over you anymore. It’s like quitting a game you don’t want to play. You forgive yourself and walk away from your past each time your past tries to remind you of it.
What does it take to forgive ourselves? Willingness. The willingness to let the thing go and deny it to have more of our thought process each time we catch it. Thoughts come and go and emotions fluctuate; interacting with thoughts we don’t want though, is a choice we make. But this type of living can bring you into the present where you’re needed.
As a former anxiety sufferer, I hated to admit anything was wrong with me. Wasn’t perfect, but why should I waste time with pain and fuss over things I couldn’t do anything about? Worse, I didn’t want anyone to know me or about me. So, I kept up a façade for forty years.
But one day while learning to forgive I had to face myself. A lot of what I was projecting out into the world was because of what I carried inside me. Thankfully, I believe in Jesus and had the Lord to help me through the process.
I learned that forgiveness requires us to admit the event happened. Then be willing to admit your part in it, even if you were only present and were a victim of someone else’s actions. You couldn’t have done more than you did at that point in time. It is no longer about those who did what to you, it is about you moving forward and forming new habits and life.
Learning to say ‘no’ when guilt comes calling your name is also good practice. Guilt is one of the greatest manipulators I’ve ever known in my life; made sense only when it made sense. Guilt can come in many forms, but each person knows why. Saying goodbye to guilt can bring clarity to your life.
Then there is also being gentle with yourself. It is better to be intentional about making the changes you want in your life than it is pining away over something and being gruff. Being gentle with your thoughts toward yourself can unload a ton of stuff. One way to do that is to monitor your thoughts and start reacting with, “I already let that go”.
Forgiving self requires active, intentional action against lingering guilt, thoughts, and habits. These days I don’t even interact with some thoughts and instead let them pass on their own. That is a lot of practice and intentionality on our part. Forgiving yourself is one of the kindest things you can do in life, because you will react to others differently when you’re not dying inside. Thank you for coming by. One day maybe I’ll share some advanced tips on forgiving self and others too. Live for today though and subscribe for free for more.
